salamat.

inulit mo na nmn cnabi mo.
hinding hindi ko na tlga makakalimutan.
sana maging masaya ka na.
dahil hinding hindi mo na ko magiging asawa.
katulad ng gusto mo.

Big Mistake

i thought i saw something good in you.
that's why i held on all these years.
but i was WRONG.
i was very WRONG.

knamumuhian kita.
hinding hindi kita mapapatawad.
kahit mamamatay ka ng nagmamakaawa saken
hinding hindi kita mapapatawad.
gagawin ko lahat para makalimutan ka.
masama ka.
sinayang mo lht ng pagmamahal na binigay ko sau.
i was there for you....
but all u did is hurt me.
i endured everythin for i love u so much
and i thought that would be enough
and hope that one day u will love me back
i am a fool for believin that.
hanggang sa huli...
sasaktan mo lng ako.
at araw araw mamamatay ako sa sobrang sakit.
mahal na mahal kita.
salamat sa lahat.
sana maging masaya ka sa taong mkakapagpasaya sau at mamahalin mo.
alam ko hindi ako un.
cguro panahon na para tanggapin ko
na kahit kelan
hindi ka para saken
hindi ka naging aken.

Beat Around The "BLOG"

So once again I’ve been tempted back into blogging...

Exactly 3 weeks before I walk to the valley of death, here I am when I should be dozing off to get at least 1 1/2 cycle of REM before attending my pathology class.

But something is different this time, more than me merely living up to my lethargic nature. Granted, I find these words I’m typing to be infinitely more interesting than the technical sobriety of academic writing. Yes, I want release but as my fingers fly over letters and I form them into words, I feel my usual cheekiness somehow mixed with… sadness.

And it hits me: Am I suddenly being so maudlin, so uselessly sentimental?

As I am now.

As I know I will be tomorrow...
And the day after tomorrow.

Somehow I am gratified by the sadness I feel. Not because of a penchant for masochism, nor even a liking for angst and “woe to me” situations. It’s because it makes me feel that all I had to go through to run the race was worth it...

He was worth it.

Contemplation +_0

I'm a substitute person.

A substitute person.

I've been the substitute person my whole life.

I never wanted to be anyone else.
Although not many people love me.

I was with a guy who's married to his "unknown" career.
I rarely see him.
And I'm the substitute person there.

Then you came and told me what I deserve.... I deserve more...

You. The very mention of your name make girls swoon over… so when you told me you want me, it was as if time was at a stand still… as if all thoughts were racing to my head and conspiring to make it explode.

You. Synonymous to player, babaero, manloloko. So when you told me you loved me it was as if the world made the biggest joke… and I was unfortunate enough to be the butt of it.

You. Pursued me and with every attempt I made to evade your charms I was getting sucked by an all consuming black hole. And as was inevitable I gave in.

You. The perfect trophy. Shining with all your glory. Attractive, intelligent and rich…But as moments pass that I spent in your arms, I knew that I couldn’t fool anyone. Not even myself.

You. Say the words I want to hear… your expression of your love move me to tears. Why has life decided to be so cruel to me? Why can’t I suppress this feeling that I have for you that has grown so completely wary?

You. Are my self-torture device. That I myself have chosen to turn on… and you made the first step turning it off… as I was crying one day for the pain was unbearable, you called and at that moment the pain was gone… because that was all I wanted… for you not to leave. The words coming from your mouth were all the sincerity I could ever ask for…

YOU. MAKE ME BELIEVE IN CHANCES.

And after so many failed attempts, trying to steer it at my command, I let Love find its course; curving and running and flowing until it reaches YOU.

Soon I realized one does not direct the course of Love. Love directs its own path – it directed me to YOU. Once in a while, Love gives us a fairy tale, right in the middle of a miserable life. Just when we least expect it.

Other women have seen angels, but when I saw YOU, I knew it was enough. Enough to make me feel alive again, enough for me to see the world in vivid colors once more, enough to be contented with what is enough, with what is in front of me.

Other women would die for their belief, while I could die for you, I could be a martyr for love, if you want. For I have loved to the point of madness; madness that knows no bound nor space nor time; madness that bows but one master; madness that is eternal, and illimitable; madness that knows but one true love – and that is YOU.

True! Love is infinite, immeasurable, and pure. Love frees us all of our grief and miseries, of our soreness and suffering, of all the pain in life compounded by time. Love is patient, love is kind. Love is God! And, I will love you with love that is gentle and kind and warm; I will love you with all the love that eternally dwells in me.

Call me cheesy... But I'm very much in love with YOU....

Melancholy +_0

I am destined to be alone and miserable.

To stare idly at nothingness; to fantasize about the impossible; to wish for things that can never be achieved; to hope for a love that can never be given.

To sit like a statue in the midst of darkness; to cry and yet not shed a single tear.

To be devoid of emotion; or at least be adept at hiding pain and frustration; to always seem to move on and yet in truth dwell in the past; to forgive but never forget.

To be ruled by fear rejection and yet foolishly try and try again to establish a connection; to fail at it; to try again, and again, and again, and again; and to disappoint myself each time.

To want to love and be loved in return, and find only emptiness and loneliness.

To have people think I’m crazy; and yet know that they just don’t understand; to suffer the indignation of having to notice every bit of ignorance, stupidity, and narrow-mindedness the world possesses and hate it; all the while grappling with the reality that I’m not so perfect myself.

To be fated to be loved only misery, melancholy, melodrama, and self-pity; to love a person who does not seem to exist; to put all my hopes, dreams, ambitions and aspirations on a person who’s probably going to let me down someday.

To bare out my soul this way because there isn't any other means by which I can express myself; to fill dozens of notebooks with unspoken thoughts; and to read them again and again from time to time just to remind myself how pathetic I am.

To be a dreamer and a realist at the same time; to ask myself questions I know the answers to; to speak to myself for lack of another person to talk to.

To devour romantic movies and relish each kiss, each dance, each song, each and every single piece of dialogue as if it were my own; and to know the whole time that such things will never happen in my life.

To believe in forever and everlasting love, and yet be given the complete opposite every time I do fall in love.

To tell anyone who bothers to listen that I see myself married to him; and then lose him; to say it again about another person; and lose him the same way.

To fail at almost everything I try to do; to be ridiculed at every decision I make; to have people I know make stupid jokes and hurtful comments behind my back.

To always be second best or less; to watch my dreams fade away into nothing; to always have to suck it all up and say “Shit happens.”

To realize that all of this is my fault; that I make myself miserable; that I choose to wallow in self-pity and melodrama; and know that I can do absolutely nothing about it, since it seems that it's the only thing I can do well.

Yes, I am truly destined to be alone and miserable.

Love According To Science +_0

Love is Sick...

Or dopey, depending on whether or not your love interest is requiting your love.

The chemistry of love has long been the realm of study for mystics and poets. But modern science has discovered that love is fueled by chemicals in our brain, and unrequited love can produce severe withdrawal-like effects not dissimilar to rehab patients trying to kick a cocaine or heroin habit.

A neuroscientist recruited seventeen students who claimed to be "truly and madly in love." Using MRIs (magnetic resonance imaging), he scanned their brain activity as they stared at a photograph of their partners. He found that he could actually see an explosion of chemicals gush forth in specific areas of the brain.

Recent studies have now confirmed there are three basic neurochemicals that make the earth move between you and another. First, when you meet someone you are attracted to, your brain creates phenylethylamine, a natural stimulant. Also involved are dopamine and norepinephrine, both chemical cousins of amphetamines. Dopamine makes you feel good and norepinephrine stimulates the production of adrenaline, the fight-or-flight chemical that makes your heart race. According to a well-known love researcher, this is the attraction or "lust" phase that is the engine behind the biological drive to focus on one person.

So, is what we call "infatuation" or "falling in love" really just the combination of these three chemicals at work in your brain? Perhaps that's why you call somebody "hot" when you're attracted to her—after all, your blood pressure is up, your palms are sweaty, and you can't sleep. A researcher who has conducted studies on female voles to determine what controls their social behavior says: "The studies so far suggest that love is simply a form of addiction that makes some animals form life-long pair bonds."

Dopamine also stimulates the production of oxytocin, known as "the cuddle chemical," because it stimulates a feeling of well-being in mothers who nurse their children. Oxytocin is also released during sexual orgasm, so it has been suggested that it is involved in adult bonding, the chemical that kicks in after the fever of lust has faded, encouraging us to stay monogamous and stick with and care for our family units.

So what happens when you're dumped, and you're as sullen, withdrawn, and angry as any other addict who needs his fix? Where's your brain chemistry then?

Love is just a lie
Made to make you blue
Love hurts
Love hurts
Love hurts

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I love Biochemistry! Duh! Hahaha!

All About Love +_0

Melai: Love is an act of faith.
Leiyha: Love is sick. *read my next post*

Melai: When a guy confess a love to a girl then suddenly her life has meaning. Why? Because she feels important. Her existence is justified, thus, has a worth and value because of love. Love is that uncertainty that defines.
Leiyha: Never let a man define who you are.

Melai: For love to be successful, the guy should constantly affirm his promise. He should constantly choose to love the girl that defines him.
Leiyha: Just because he says he loves you, doesn't mean that he won't hurt you and it doesn't mean that you are meant to be with him.

Melai: True love doesn’t exist. You can’t find true love but you can choose to make love true. Love becomes true when you have the conviction to love constantly.
Leiyha: Love can never be imposed to someone. It is something rare that doesn't come along everyday and is not measured by how long but by how deep.

Melai: Love is a choice.
Leiyha: Love is never a choice. It's an inner tendency felt with no boundaries nor restrictions... beyond anyone's control.